Lazy thoughts.

It’s like drugs.
You get addicted to it.
You cannot say no.
You get angry for no reason.
You get so consumed that you feel lost in your madness.
And when the hype is all gone, you feel there is no reason for living anymore…or to get out of bed to do something stupid.

There are some days when i am so certain about what i want. Some days, I just don’t know what to do with myself. And so i try to creep in into the depths of what remains inside to justify all the sudden hurting i feel.
There is nothing to do? I feel useless. It’s these times that I feel neglected. It’s these times that I am annoyed for no apparent reason.
Be it the sudden banging of the door.
The shrieks of the neighbor.
The slow careful steps outside my bedroom door.

Left on my own, slouching in bed, worrying over useless things and imagining even more useless things, I tend to find peace. In the oddest sense of feeling useless and exuberant to be able to laze around, I find a serenity that my working days has robbed me. Growing up with a mom to fuss over me and a nagging nanny who directly reports to the parental authorities, I find it hard to find a special space of my own to think my tinker thoughts. Now, with no mom and no nanny to invade my personal sanctum, unleashed and free to do whatever that was not allowed before, I find myself confused and with no direction. So many things to do and wanting to do it all at once —- it is making me dizzy.

I tell myself, growing up is like learning how to walk.
One step at a time.
One single step towards whatever you want.
One single step towards experimentation and idiosyncrasy.
And if the steps are proving to be slow ones, hop and jump, and even roll.
Laugh while you’re at it.
Stomp if it frustrates you.
Be careless if need be.
Just avoid being chained again.
Refuse to be tied to anything.
Leave whatever that entails imprisonment.
Cry when you want.
Forget if things got too hurtful.
Take pills if you cannot sleep.
Do not growl. You don’t have to be ugly to look tough…but it helps.

and if the world got too noisy, I remind myself that I can always retreat to my own secret hiding place where no one will be admitted.
If the world got too rowdy, let them fight among themselves.
If the world is starting to get smaller, find another planet and alien to play with.

You don’t have to conform.
You don’t have to follow.
You play by your own rules.
Be polite to the nasty and be patient to the idiots.
Observe. Understand. and play with people intelligent enough to understand your game.

Be silly.
Avoid buses when driving.
Get a license.
and don’t stop learning how to cook.

New year burn

 

I cannot sleep. Actually I find it uncomfortable to lie down. a thousand myriad thoughts are invading my peaceful mind making it restless…

I wonder what cecile is doing right now.

I wonder if my mom is still up…

I reached for my almost dead batt phone and then changed my mind…my fingers are too painful I am almost scared to move them….

OK, its not that bad..im just lazy. =P

I’m not that lonely and desperate.

Plus I need to rest.

I Spent the New Year island hopping and here I am now — burnt and crisp to the bones.

Makes me think...so this is what i waited in line for two hours at the barge eh?

The only thing that is white right now are my eyeballs…oh yeah…my lips…the water was so salty my lips was so pale. waaaah!!!!

But it was so much fun. We caught a dead puffer fish (yes, I said dead–so?), an octupus, gathered sea urchins (planning to have them for dinner but opted for the cup noodles instead –safer too), and collected the all-time favorite sea stars. In the collection of sea stars, we found the star of Bethelehem. Notice how the star that guides the sheperds have this weird 4 star “wings”…We found a sea star that is just that…It’s kinda odd though…The bethelem star is shining, that’s why the missing one “arm” is not that prominent…this sea star we found…was thorny…hardly a compensation for its deficiency to shine. But sea stars are not supposed to shine, moron.